Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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