i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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