There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Randomize
