Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Randomize
