Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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