I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize