so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
