oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
