I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Randomize
