i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
