respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
