I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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