Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
