I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
