Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I need to calm my uterus...
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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