Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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