Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
We have so much sex to catch up on
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Randomize
