i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
