dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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