meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I need help removing her.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
