You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
