is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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