he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
