My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
