Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
