Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
