he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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