True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
