I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Randomize
