she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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