just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Randomize
