sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
