alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
She told me I should be a condom model.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Randomize
