I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Randomize
