Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
