Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Vodka?
Forever.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I'm getting married
To pizza
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Randomize
