a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
