guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I just pynch a tree in the face
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
