Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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