Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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