It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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