I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
