you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
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