but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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