I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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