Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
