I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Alive.
So much puke
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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