recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
When did angry sex become our thing?
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize
