Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
