I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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