Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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