i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize