we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
