Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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