My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
