my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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