How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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