I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
