toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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