This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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