I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
