I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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