At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
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