yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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